Saturday, November 29, 2014
Monday, November 17, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
The truth is this...simply...without pretty words and a magical twist to make it all seem ok...This...When I was twenty-two, I had an abortion with my boyfriend of two years. His words at first response..."I'm not having a fucked up family with you." His words after a few days of "contemplating" "We aren't ready yet, this is the best decision for the both of us, we can work on US." That was six years ago. I carried with me from February 5, the day of the awful deed, and still. It changed me, it created a girl that was in the part of her life where she was discovering the world, and then was blindsided, Love let her down, love took a part of her, a part she could never get back. Resentment grew in my heart, and chased me across the US several times....almost four years later, I finally met someone that made me start to let go of all the hateful pieces I carried with me. I began to let someone in, slowly, but the only way I knew how. I met him on the 27th of March. He was driving an old toyota mini van. It was dark blue. The color of the pacific. Driving on I-5, I saw him. Arm out the window, purple hippie tree hat on, blonde curls, just going to catch some southern California waves. He was so beautiful, and I was caught up instantly in a California dream. I rolled my window down and he yelled, "wanna race!?" followed by the most beautiful, heart captivating smile. He then yelled to me his phone number, and I hastily tried to save it in my phone. I texted him a few hours later telling him, "nice van." Followed by his reply, "want a ride?" Wow, if I could have seen our future...Those three words held so much meaning. We texted the rest of the evening and he invited me out in San Clemente to have sushi with two of his friends. I was late! I was driving from San Diego following my GPS and if anyone knows the traffic on I-5 they will understand the traffic that caused me to be so late. He texted, "I'm not trying to be rude, but are you still coming." "I'm so sorry, I'm almost there!" I pulled up to the house he was at that evening. I can see him now, green fleece long sleeved shirt, black jeans, hands in his pocket. Beat up flip flops, and those blonde curls. He said..."Let's take your car." We met his friends, where they drilled me with a few questions. I was in fact, the girl from the east coast, just driving around SoCal. They left shortly after the "exam" and it was just him and I. He ordered a sushi roll for us to share. I remember looking at him across the table, listening to him talk of his life. He was from Corona, California. He had recently bought a sail boat nine months ago. He was living on it. Before that he had lived in Bishop, California for the past seven or so years, where He lived in a little cabin, working for Rock Creek Lodge, I believe. He was cross country skier and an avid rock climber. His stories captured me. I fell in love, instantly. I remember going from...Excited to hang out with this SoCal boy, to plain nervous as HELL! I couldn't stop shaking, praying to God he didn't notice! I was captivated. I had lived all over the US, dated my fair share of gorgeous men, but NEVER have I ever, met such a dream. As I sit here and write, I can see us sitting there falling in love so easily. I can see the dark wooden table and chairs, remember the water I used to swallow that nasty fishy sushi roll seaweed, I can remember noticing his stunning blue eyes for the fist time. I can see his hands, using his chop sticks like it was his culture! He put me to shame, I asked for a fork. We left the restaurant, to where we just sat in my car for the next hour or so, just talking. He wanted to know everything about me, everything...and I wanted to know all that made him who he was. Who is this beautiful man that lives on a tiny sailboat in Dana Point Harbor? I was about to find out...
I have no idea where to hide anymore. Maybe I was hiding from our past, but always dreaming of our perfect moments in between the chaos. You can't seem to understand my hesitation and I can't seem to understand the verdicts you always come to, and I'm the one ignoring you, right? A new state, a new home, a new job, and a whole new crowd. You'll find yourself at a bar, even though thats not really your scene, the lights will be dim and the music will be just right. She will notice your blue eyes because they are so beautiful, and your drinks will make her perfect. Her hair is long and her body moves just the same. Tell her bits of your story and leave me out, but I will be there. I will be standing behind her, watching you as you are watching her. This is how we break each other, time and time again. Go ahead and not let me know where you are, as I'm ready to leave behind the life i've made to be in the life I dream of. I'll be forced to stay here, stay here...but This time I can't stay. It's killing me slowly, trying to live a life that I know i'm not destined to be in. Tonight I'll slip into a coma of p.m. over the counter meds, because they take me away from the thoughts of not being with you, and you may not believe me when I say this, but you are all I think of. The song comes on, "Will you still love me when i'm no longer young and beautiful." You know what this does to me, you know the words and you know the meaning behind all of it. Why, when i'm ready, you're seeing new faces, and when you're ready, the timing isn't any friend of mine? Maybe this is the world keeping us a part. Are we meant to be a part? You used to say to me..."The universe is crazy, sweetie." You were right, you were right all along.