Riven

i was broken, riven, lying on the floor, with tears from something that I can't  fathom.  i can't call it crying, because i've never tasted such terror in tears, such apprehension. Belly full of life, and heart about to explode. Slavered on by love, told of my worthlessness by the one who should have held me. Deluded  by the one I believed I loved. Called a devil with green eyes from his invidious lips. His eyes, luminosity, hate. Immaculate hostility. He was indifferent to my pleas for mercy. He was deaf to my sincerity, the heartache that was obsolete to his rationality. I caught myself looking in the mirror, touching my hand's reflection with my finger tips, and feeling nothing, looking at my blank expression that seemed to bestow upon me, the  flag of "i give up"   She was nothing of absolute. She was broken and disdained. The arrogance of my own self seemed to pity the girl I saw. Seemed to let go of who she thought herself to be, who she wanted to be, and who she ever hoped to be. He stripped me of my worth, and made me feel as though I needed him, because somehow in all the scrutiny, he made me believe I was in fact, inconsequential… There were moments of complete and utter feelings of, loss, of a noble heart shattered by the wrath of his unrelenting, remorseless world. My world. Our world.  Some days at work, I found myself having to run to the bathroom, where I would lock myself inside a stall, and break down, completely forfeit every piece of composure i could muster to get any composer at all. Gone. Literally, gone. Those lonely, indescribable tears, full of hearted desolation.  Consternation, perplexity, My world then…and it haunts me at times, how do you run from such consciousness? Escape seems to not be an option. I do not dare let or allow myself to forget the moments I speak of, how dare I consign to oblivion the possibility of my past repeating itself once again….Never, never, at no time, never. 

The beginning

Maybe it's not meant to be a sad sad lonely tail, the story, my story...I'm writing. I have many secrets, secrets I'm ashamed of. Things i've done, in darkness, that I wish I could take back, but I know I can't. I'm going to write my story. All of it, and I hope you're reading... Day by day, truth...my truth. How i felt, how I feel now..What has shaped my thoughts and my emotions, my decisions and my path.
             We all have a first love, that somehow becomes a memory and someone takes his place. I was 18, and just ending my senior year of high school. He was beautiful and older, 23. It was that "can't eat, can't sleep"   type of love, to a girl that had no idea of this big world. The memories are sweet and cherished. I fell in love but maybe subconsciously  I knew I had so much more of a journey waiting just ahead. I spent three years with him. I had plans of a future with him. Maybe those plans were placed in my mind because that's how we are all "supposed" to live our lives. Husband and wife, the white picket fence, how it "called" to me???? I was newly 21 and seemingly my life was perfect. Great boyfriend, school, great family and friends, good job...I was on that "white picket fence" path....I can't explain what it was that drew the line for me, the line that brought to writing him that letter, telling him I had to leave, but something was telling, "GO."   I packed my things into my red car and drove off to Hilton Head, South Carolina where I would stay with my grandparents and figure my future out...It was a late evening and beneath the spanish moss and lingering February air my grandma stepped into my room and said she had an engagement party to attend. She told me, "Maybe you will meet some friends there, Amy."    I walked up the brilliant path, glowing from the small lights along it's way, leading up to the huge glass door of the plantation home. And there he was, standing in a blue sweater, holding onto one crutch. I noticed him right away, smiling with a beer in hand. A light in the room. The party went on, and the people were so happy. I stepped outside to get a drink and that's when he approached me. Small talk was made and finally he pulled out his iphone. Numbers were exchanged. I can't say that I was completely head over heels for him instantly, but he definitely was a good reason to smile.  A few days later and I got a text asking to hang out. I believe I declined him the first time, but not the second. He invited me to hang out at his parents house. I kindly accepted and asked him for directions. I was to meet him at the Port Royal Plantation. I made my way there that evening, pulling up the long drive way up to the most beautiful Southern home. It was massive! I remember being so nervous walking up the steps to his home, and then the door opened. There my future stood, an elegant glass of wine in hand and the other arm stretched out for a hug. I can still remember how he holds his hand to place it on a shoulder to give a very welcoming hug. He was a light. I know that's what drew me in. He had this smile, this love for life, that was so new to me. So accepting and caring. I instantly felt drawn to him. We sat on the leather sofa that night, sipping on wine, and watching the movie, "the five people you meet in heaven."   And that was the beginning, to everything....to the chaos, to brilliance of life, the hot summer southern nights...to what has been and to what is....This is my story....

           

Endless...

She was supposed to have a story, words written so that everyone could fathom her as someone she really isn't. Maybe she wanted to run from the truth. The words that would reveal to her, her own truth. Of love that proved itself to be anything but...Is that what he wanted her to say, to admit. That she was in love and love, spit in her face. Her past had a disheartening way of repeating itself. Is that what he wanted? Did he want to send her into a whirlwind? Did he want her to crash, because he somehow thought it would bring her heart into an endless void of can't get up, can't get out. Stuck on his eyes, his eyes overtaking her mind...always. Because that's what he did. And she was never right, and somehow he knew everything, because his wrongs could never be anything but right...but her, she was endlessly wrong...