Saturday, September 20, 2014

Just let go girl...

                      I miss you, I miss how you had no fear of being alone. I miss the girl you were when you had 60 dollars to your name, living out of your car with nothing but a surf board and a prayer. How you laid on a picnic table on christmas day soulfully alone and you found joy in that. You felt loved more abundantly from God himself, and the two of you talked that day. He showed you the sun rays touching the pacific from the cliffs of San Onofre, and it was brilliant. I admire you for leaving behind everything to openly understand your love for a boy that told you the timing was wrong. I miss the nights spent wasted away in your car when you put on layers of clothes to keep your eyes tight  so that the cold air didn't wake you from your dreams. I am so happy for the broken days when you had nothing but yourself and the people that you would stumble upon. I hold dear the conversations with strangers, how their thoughts opened your eyes to someone else's reality other than yours. Scars kiss us all and you understand that better now. I wish I still had that green journal that you would write in when you felt lonely. How you would talk to God and look for the best in "all of this" I miss the miles that you drove to get away, when looking back I realize that they brought you to yourself, to your own heart. I remember the day you went for a run, because you felt so lost. You stood at the edge of a cliff on Newport's Coast on a restricted shore line, threw your arms in the air as the sea gulls drifted by past you, as the cliff dropped off drastically at your toes. I love how your thoughts told you that those sea birds told you to jump, because they knew you believed you could fly. Just let go girl, let everything go. I love that you learned to never judge a book by its cover, that the blanket that covers the body, never will cover the soul. How you found beauty in the echos of the voice from the man you met at the laundry mat, speaking of the love he has for his wife "back home" how the miles only open his eyes to the brilliance of true love, he was reading war and peace. I miss the cold showers outside in front of the ocean, thank God for such a beautiful view to distract you from the cold air. I love how you seemed to meet people that helped you in ways that you are unable to understand, and the ones that told you that you have helped change their perspective in ways so differently. How God sent you a beautiful Italian man, on the day you felt homeless and un-pretty,  that stopped by your  surf spot and told you how "bella" you are, kissed your cheek and left. I love that he couldn't understand you, and you couldn't understand him. I love that your heart still never lets you forget february 5, and for reasons I believe to be the meaning in "all of this" For the loss of love showed you what love was truly all about. I love that his love holds your hand still when everything seems to be wrong. I love how the California salt air kissed your skin goodnight as the train tracks at trestles were your lullaby. I love how you followed a dream in hopes to better understand what this world is all about, how it speaks to us when we don't even know it, how life hands us tests that are terrible and hard, but I know that you are even grateful for the worst of it. I will never forget the Carolina nights and how they were the start to the journey of who you are, the harsh pain of a reality based on a love that consumed you, and through it, bettered your soul and the girl you were meant to be. For in the dark storm, now you know the rain was not detrimental, and you will always love the rain and appreciate the storm.
              Darling, you'll be ok. The past is yours, and the future a gift….Just let go girl, let everything go…..

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Love at first sight, on a cold winters night

I spent a few winter cold nights in Yosemite for a birthday of mine, some time ago. I went with a lover. He was kind to take me to a place he knew id love, and for that, I owe him many thanks, for introducing me to a love that would last a life time. The wilderness, California beauty, wrapped up with Sequoia trees and water falls, not to mention the face of half dome. It was a cold evening that would lead to a cold nights sleep. I went into our tent to put on more clothes to meet  my lover in front of a fire being shared by all the misfits of the village camping out in camp 4.  I remember the night and how it was about to take over the day. The light from the day was saying good bye and making way for some pretty amazing star shows. I opened the door to the tent, zipped it up behind me and made my way to the fire, and there he sat, in a maroon hoodie, khaki hiking pants and flip flops. Black hair and a beard to match his rugged nomadic look. And at first sight, I fell in love. Although I have never known him outside of those few days, I will carry his spirit with me, always. I believe there are people in this world that we instantly fall in love with, even if they never share our bed, they are in our hearts. How he spoke to me, and how he looked at me…how he looked at me, with beautiful dark, mysterious eyes, captivated me like a fairy tale, sharing the same heat from that hot fire…I wanted to know him, inside and out. I wanted to hear his story, and what made him who he was. His hands, I wanted so badly to touch, but couldn't. He slept in a hammock, tucked in his sleeping bag, under the tress and stars. What lucky stars to see such beauty as it sleeps.  I saw him differently as though he had words that would resonant within me, that I would carry and cherish. His views his morals, his adventures he spoke of…Wrapped themselves around me, and held on…His last name…Byrnes…and how his lasting impression burns within my being as the fire that we shared, the fire that reflected in his eyes, the fire that I felt inside…Love at first sight, in camp 4, on a cold winters night.