Thursday, August 28, 2014


i was broken, riven, lying on the floor, with tears from something that I can't  fathom.  i can't call it crying, because i've never tasted such terror in tears, such apprehension. Belly full of life, and heart about to explode. Slavered on by love, told of my worthlessness by the one who should have held me. Deluded  by the one I believed I loved. Called a devil with green eyes from his invidious lips. His eyes, luminosity, hate. Immaculate hostility. He was indifferent to my pleas for mercy. He was deaf to my sincerity, the heartache that was obsolete to his rationality. I caught myself looking in the mirror, touching my hand's reflection with my finger tips, and feeling nothing, looking at my blank expression that seemed to bestow upon me, the  flag of "i give up"   She was nothing of absolute. She was broken and disdained. The arrogance of my own self seemed to pity the girl I saw. Seemed to let go of who she thought herself to be, who she wanted to be, and who she ever hoped to be. He stripped me of my worth, and made me feel as though I needed him, because somehow in all the scrutiny, he made me believe I was in fact, inconsequential… There were moments of complete and utter feelings of, loss, of a noble heart shattered by the wrath of his unrelenting, remorseless world. My world. Our world.  Some days at work, I found myself having to run to the bathroom, where I would lock myself inside a stall, and break down, completely forfeit every piece of composure i could muster to get any composer at all. Gone. Literally, gone. Those lonely, indescribable tears, full of hearted desolation.  Consternation, perplexity, My world then…and it haunts me at times, how do you run from such consciousness? Escape seems to not be an option. I do not dare let or allow myself to forget the moments I speak of, how dare I consign to oblivion the possibility of my past repeating itself once again….Never, never, at no time, never. 

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